Today’s the day. The day you help save the internet from being ruined.
(Long story short: The FCC is about to make a critical decision as to whether or not internet service providers have to treat all traffic equally. If they choose wrong, then the internet where anyone can start a website for any reason at all, the internet that’s been so momentous, funny, weird, and surprising—that internet could cease to exist. Here’s your chance to preserve a beautiful thing.)
Flyer for a high school production of I Never Saw Another Butterfly. The Photoshop and lettering was done by my wonderful wife, Jeanne Cassanova Rachuba.
Friendly reminder that you’re allowed to like a thing without knowing every single fact about the thing
You’re allowed to like a movie without having to know every crew member’s name
You’re allowed to like a book without having to memorize every page
You’re allowed to like a video game without having to know all the Easter eggs and cheat codes
You’re allowed to like things and not be an expert on things
Liking things isn’t supposed to be stressful
Look, I admit that sometimes I’ll skip a day showering too. Especially if I’m not outside getting dirty, working up a sweat that day. Fine. But walking around in your ironic clothes, smelling like a seven-layer burrito that sat out on the kitchen counter all night is not cool.
I can accept your ironic clothes. What right does anybody have to tell you how to dress or that your little Fidel Castro hat looks stupid? I can accept your fuzzy little beards and your horn-rim glasses. And ladies, if you don’t believe in shaving your pits that’s entirely your prerogative. But for the love of Baby Jesus, slather some deodorant on ‘em!
It is not okay to stink. Other people can smell you. This is not Paris in the late 1800’s, this is modern-day America. You have ample choice when it comes to preventing olfactory assaults on innocent bystanders. Bathing at least semi-regularly is a good method. You love Whole Foods so much? Great. Go there and buy some eco-friendly soap or fair-trade deodorant. Just manage your funk.
Wonderful! You did something about the smell! Now I know how hard you work to maintain your image because that’s the thing that you use to separate yourself from the mainstream. So I’m not going to pick on the way you dress because I ultimately don’t care. But I do think you should be aware that in your own way, you are a conformist too. Those horn-rim glasses I mentioned earlier? Yeah, the guy from Weezer was wearing those, like, twenty years ago. Like everybody else, you rely on a wardrobe that signals others of your kind and lets them know you both hate the same albums. It’s the same thing yuppies do, only most yuppies don’t frequent thrift stores.
Just admit that most of your ideas come from somewhere else. You’re dressing like your favorite band does. You saw something somewhere that you thought looked cool so you copied it. Nothing to be ashamed of, that’s human nature. But sorry, no matter how vintage that jacket you wear in the middle of August might be it doesn’t make you some kind of artistic visionary.
Look, I’ll take bohemian over bourgeoisie any day. I support the arts. I agree that the worst Wes Anderson film is better than the best Michael Bay movie. I’d rather drink a local brew over Budweiser. But I try not to be a dick about it. If you’ve got certain tastes, that’s up to you. I won’t sneer at somebody for wearing polo shirts with little alligators on them or downing an ice cold Bud while they watch Transformers 4 on Blu-Ray.
But if you see yourself as the only Peter Parker in a Flash Thompson world you’re delusional. If you have ever curled your lip in disdain and called someone a poser then you are a hypocrite. You are and always have been a poser. We’re all posers. We all have to play dress-up to maintain our livelihoods; some people enjoy it, others don’t. Some people would rather fit in socially than professionally. Being all pierced and tatted-up probably won’t get you much higher on the totem pole than manager of a Hot Topic. Sure, maybe you could find work at an organic grocery or a bar in the French Quarter or something like that. And if that’s what you want out of life, more power to you. The rest of us work jobs where we have to look ‘presentable’ and thus we can’t fly our freak flags. So you can stop sneering at us, hipsters, we only want to pay our bills and eat.
Big Houses are fun, but most of the time they’re money pits.
#4. College Sports Are Bad for Schools
Varsity sports are fucking a big, bloody hole right in the center of the American education system, and laughing the entire time. If we did away with all varsity sports — yes, all of it, today — the world would be a better place. I’m serious, why do we play sports in college at all? What’s the fucking purpose? Aren’t those supposed to be schools? Aren’t we supposed to be teaching people about the real world? “But sports bring in money!” you spit desperately at your computer screen. No, they don’t: Sports teams are actually massive financial drains on their colleges, with only 10 percent turning a profit. Most colleges end up more like the University of Michigan, which lost $7 million over two seasons.
Dear Sports Fans,
Don’t worry, I’m not here to hate on you. You can like whatever you like, that’s fine with me. Have your football, your soccer, your golf, your water polo, your greco-roman wrestling, or whatever. It’s all well and good, I’m just not into any of it.
But what’s that you say? What do I do for fun? How can I go about my life without having somebody to root for, to get all worked up about when my life is otherwise uneventful? You had to poke the bear, didn’t you sports fan?
Let’s start with my biggest complaint about competitive team sports- they’re all boring. American football is only about ten minutes of action, the rest is just annoying commentary, relentless replays, and advertisements. Sorry but I’ve got better stuff to do.
“But c’mon, man, the game! It’s a chance to get together!”
There are a myriad of reasons to gather in somebody’s living room, drink beer, and eat buffalo wings. It doesn’t have to involve ‘the game’. You know what I like to watch? Shows about Sasquatch hunters. Even though I know it’s complete and utter ‘Squatch-scat, I find it much more entertaining than professional team sports.
“Yeah, fine, you don’t wanna watch the game”, the imaginary sports fan concedes, “But you don’t ever just go outside and toss the ol’ pig-skin around?”
No. I don’t. Sorry, I’m just not into it. It might be fun for you but it isn’t any fun for me. It never has been. If I’m outside getting exercise, I’m riding my bike or walking my dogs. I don’t have to frolic with a bunch of sweaty dudes just to be active.
Maybe it sounds boring to you but I’m not bored. I find things to do. I make stuff. Just because there’s no competition in it doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. And no human being should ever feel obligated to keep another human being amused- unless, they’re a professional comedian maybe or a juggler or something like that. That’s what jugglers make the big bucks for.
Speaking of big bucks, professional athletes make way too much. No amount of rationalization can justify the huge salaries these guys pull in (and yes, they are mostly guys).
“But they deserve it! They’re top athletes! They worked hard to be where they are!”
I’m not saying that they didn’t work hard or spend so many years training or whatever. But why do we make them millionaires? I do know the answer: because the professional leagues make millions off of ticket sales and merchandise and the athletes want a percentage. Fine, that makes sense. But you know who else in this country works hard? Garbage collectors. Yeah, nobody pays for tickets to watch the garbage collectors. Nobody wears a puffy jacket with the local sanitation department’s logo on it. But I’m a lot more thankful for my garbage collectors than I am for the New Orleans Saints. The Saints aren’t keeping my street clean.
“But what about Steve Gleason? He’s a real-life hero! He has a charity!”
Sure, it’s great that he’s fostering an awareness of ALS. You’re right. Go ahead and put a 37 sticker on your back windshield. Dump a bucket of ice water on your head and put it up on Youtube. I won’t deny that it’s for a good cause. Any time a celebrity raises awareness of something it does help the people who are affected by it. I believe in charity too even if it doesn’t take the form of Team Gleason.
The human condition in America is the same whether you’re a sports fan or not: you work some job for forty hours or more every week just to have a place to eat, sleep, and shit. And to break the monotony, you need heroes to admire. For you it’s the Saints or LSU or whoever it is you like. My heroes are mostly fictional. But just like you wouldn’t want to discuss Batman comics with me at work on Monday morning, I don’t want to talk about the Saints. Deal?
US Constitution, First Amendment: The right to assemble, to have free speech, to have freedom of the press.
Ferguson Police: Kicks out media and limits protestors to a “First Amendment Area”
funny, i thought the WHOLE COUNTRY was a first amendment area. silly me.
Now if something is too stupid to put on a t-shirt, then why the hell would you get it as a tattoo?
Some people can only list the ability to complain on their resume. Those people are fired.
Iron Man and Dr. Strange are kind of the same character. They both start out as assholes until something humbles them. The only difference is, one is all about technology while the other does magic tricks. And they both have mustaches.
So don’t be too surprised if Marvel casts another Robert Downey Jr. Type when they make their Dr. Strange movie.